I finally met myself today. I didn’t like her at all, I actually hated her. She was a manipulative mood-swinging bitch. She was a taker who thought she was a giver. I knew it. She had great intentions, but no actions to back her up. She was demanding, impulsive, compulsive, and downright annoying. She was a baby who threw fits to get her way and always played the victim. She felt she was entitled. She was full of self-pity and resentments. She was pushy, bossy, demanding and controlling and many times a bully. She’s an alcoholic/addict.
Her story she thought wasn’t like others. Everything was just fine to her. Her childhood, her divorce, her kids, her opinion and her ego. She was so damn full of herself and in such denial it wasn’t even funny. She was battered and shaky with missing teeth and homeless. She didn’t trust anyone and never accepted help. Yeah, she was SO prideful. She had the classic, “if you only knew attitude”. She was a mom who thought she’d done well. She made her daughter sick. She never listened, constantly interrupted, babbled, nagged and complained. I can see now why her daughter wanted to pound her face in. She needed her mom to shut-up and listen, I mean really listen. She needed to be heard, and deserved validation. But she didn’t know how, she was never taught. I mean don’t get me wrong she loved her children with all her heart. But she wasn’t able to cope, or handle anything that involved feelings. She was unworthy, ungrateful, self-seeking and selfish. She was never protected herself. She felt there was no room for her left on this earth. She felt disposable. Her son’s seemed to tolerate her, and they genuinely cared. But again, they gave up trying to help a long time ago. She hated living here on earth.
One day, actually it was the day I met her, she stopped trying to matter. She was done. She relished the thought of being put in the dark ground, to rest forever. That way she would be protected. She wouldn’t be able to hurt herself, or others again. She would stay there forever, and not have to hear, talk, touch or feel the hell she’d lived thru again. She didn’t believe much in heaven or a hereafter. She felt if the “bible thumpers” nonsense was true, then it must have already happened. Since she was still here, she figured she had lost and like I said above, this was hell. If the price of living was what she had so far received, she wanted out. She sought escape from herself and others. At that moment I dared to look into her eyes and soul. I was very afraid to look at her. But I did, that’s the moment I knew it was me. I realized then I was nothing but a filthy, lying, cheating animal. Well who-ever was the cause of me meeting myself, sorry, like I said I hated her. So I made a decision to jump in front of a train and kill us both. Never again to see the light of day. Knowing that it would hurt everyone, that it was SO very selfish. Perhaps, if she was truly taught and able to love herself, it might not have to end this way. She might instead be writing about her new beginnings. You know the ones promised by preachers, teachers, family and friends. Well she would miss them but she finally got to be heard. She picked her own end.
Written by: Janey M.
The Other Side
93 E Berkshire Dr, Unit G
Crystal Lake IL 60014